Kiss Kiss Fall in Blood!
by MoffAnimeTeeny
Summary: Armin Arlert comes to Ouran Academy on scholarship. One moment he's looking for a place to study. the next second he's 800,000 in debt! To pay off his debt, he has no choice but to work for the Host Club and its nutty members, Marco, Erwin, Levi, Jean, Eren and Sasha. (different from the original concept of OHSHC. Sort of. Enjoy!)
1. I Just Wanted to Study

Notes: I wanted to make this story different from the original Ouran High School Host Club, so I added some twists. Marco is the "Tamaki", Levi the "Kyoya", Erwin the "Mori", Jean and Eren the "Hikaru and Kaoru", and Sasha the "Hunny". Unlike the original OHSHC, this host club is co-ed, which is why I added Sasha. Armin is the role of "Haruhi", and yes, he is male. I just thought he fits the part best- awkward, intelligent, etc. I also could not decide the POVs for the chapters, so it alternates between characters POV and No POV. **Ok! On with the story!**

I was just looking for a place to study. All I wanted was a _quiet, open_ room to sit down and read in peace. The school had _three libraries_. I would've thought one of them would be quiet. However, they weren't.

I went up to the third floor. _I never really went up here before…_ All the doors were locked but one, Music Room 3. _Huh_ , I thought _, an empty music room_. _Finally, a quiet spot._

I opened up the enormous heavy doors and was smacked in the face with the scent of flowers and pastry. Wow, for a music room, it smells more like heaven than dusty AC and spit dwelling in the brass instruments.

I grimaced at that thought. I was once in band. I had nightmares about the saliva in those trombones. I shook it off and walked inside.

The room was beautifully furnished with cushioned benches, wooden tables with carved legs and feet, endless displays of flowers, and low coffee tables with gorgeous tea sets laid out. If you ask me, it looked more like a café.

"Welcome to the Ouran High School Host Club!"

I nearly had a heart attack and dropped my books. "Dear God!" I exclaimed. I looked to my left. On the far side of the room, were fived well-groomed dudes, looking at me with their legs folded. One was typing on a laptop angrily. The other four were smiling at me. And then there was a girl… who was eating cake like there was no tomorrow.

"Uh… where am I?"

The one sitting in the middle stood up and gracefully walked up to me; he kind of walked like a swan, if that makes sense. " _This_ is the Ouran High School Host Club, and I am Marco Bodt, president of this establishment! _And who might you be_?" This 'Marco' spoke with a very charming, flowy tone. He looked like a fashion doll. The perfect hair, freckles, his uniform was super on point.

"I, um, I think I have the wrong room…sir…" I dropped to floor and began scooping up my papers and textbooks.

"Hey wait a sec, aren't you the scholarship student?" I looked up to see two other guys staring down at me. "Uh… yeah. Why?"

"Oh wow, a commoner! I've never seen one!" said the girl with the cake. "Yeah… I guess you could say that. I-I-I-I really gotta go now." I picked up my stuff and tried to make a break for the door. I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. "Wait, wait, wait, don't you wanna stay?" These two boys spoke perfectly in sync. Weird. "Um, no, actually…" They looked at each other, then at me. "Hahaha! Funny!" They led me to one of the cushioned benches. They simultaneously plopped down on either side of me, folded their legs, and smiled.

"Tell us about yourself!"

"Yeah, where do you live?"

"How'd you get into this school?"

"Uh…"

"You want some tea?" asked cake girl.

"Why are you here?" asked the laptop dude. Man, did he look angry.

"We rarely get scholarship students at this school," said a super tall dude with with Captain America Hair.

I just wanted to study. "Look, I really must be going." I stood up again to leave. "WAIT!"

I turned to see Marco standing in a weird pose. "Yes?"

"Are you gay?"

I almost dropped my stuff again. "WHAT?!" He threw his arm around me. "Something tells me that you… aren't straight." I tore away from him. "Why is this happening to m-"

Just then I tripped over thin air. My stuff went flying. I crashed into a pedestal with a nice looking 2-foot statue of a Roman goddess on it. The statue fell and smashed into a million pieces.

Just like my pride.

I kind of wanted to cry. This was the most embarrassing experience of my life, and breaking this statue was the cherry on top. _Ow…_

The room was silent. I stood up, unsure of what was coming next. I dusted off my sweater. The angry looking boy who was typing angrily closed his laptop. _Oh dear God, help me_ , I thought frantically. He stood up, looked at me, looked at the statue, then back at me, then the statue.

"Tch. That statue was going to be at our next auction. It was going for $800,000."

I nearly fainted. "Eight… hundred thousand…?" I stuttered. He just shrugged. "What can I say, it was imported."

 _Oh god, my grandfather's gonna kill me. We don't have money like that…_

"Well…" I choked out, "c-can I pay you back… or something?"

The two synced boys laughed hysterically. "With what money! You couldn't even buy a uniform!" they said, totally in sync.

 _The uniform was $3000… Who in the hell would pay that much for a uniform…_? I thought.

Freckles jumped in. "I have an IDEA!" he announced. "YOU-" he pointed at me. " YOU WILL BE OUR NEW ERRAND BOY TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBT!" he smiled wildly. I could see the Shorty struggling not to smile. Captain America said nothing. Cake Girl was eating a lollipop now. The weird ones still laughed.

This was too much.

One second, I'm looking for a place to do my homework. The next second in $800,000 in debt.

 _Good job, Armin, 11/10,_ I thought to myself. I looked at the statue, then my books all over the floor, then at the nutcases. I fell to my knees. Now I really wanted to cry. Marco was still in another world, twirling around, naming things I could do to make their lives easier.

"You can start tomorrow!"

"No," the Shorty said. "He can start NOW, by cleaning up the $800,000 he just spent." He threw a broom at me.

 _Kill me now._

The Next Day.

I arrived at Music Room 3 "promptly after classes ended" as Marco told me. I was much less than happy to start my new life as the Host Club's dog.

I was at this school on scholarship. I needed to focus on my work. I didn't have time to entertain these rich people. This was really a nightmare.

"Oh, Armin, you're here!" said Weirdo #2. "Hey boss! The errand boy is here!"

Oh nice, degraded from Armin to Errand Boy in a matter of seconds, I thought gloomily. Short-stack was typing angrily again. Marco came dancing out of nowhere. "Armin! Hi! Hello! Our guests will be here soon! Can you go put on some tea?"

"Guests?" I asked. "Do you guys realize I have no idea WHAT this club is?" Marco stopped smiling. Shorty stopped typing. "Well, let me explain." Marco pulled me into a corner.

"The Host Club is a group of idle boys, aka us, who entertain our female clients," he said.

"So… like a strip club?"

"Uh…no. "

"Well, how do you entertain them?"

"Well, *ahem*mostly flirt, serve tea, be total gentleman, say romantic things, ya know."

"And why would girls wanna be entertained by you guys?"

"We all have different qualities different girls desire. Erwin is the strong, silent type. Levi is the intense, striking type. Jean and Eren are the mischievous type. They also display a sense of Brotherly Love that the girls LOVE, even though they're not brothers, they're just cousins. However, they were raised together and are inseparable. I am the princely, all over awesome type. Heh heh…"

"Um… okay… so if this is for girls, what's with cake girl? Is she like part of a lesbian package?"

Marco laughed out loud. "Oh, GOD no… although we focus primarily on young women, we also have a few male clients. Mostly insecure, nerdy boys. Despite Sasha's bizarre attitude, she's quite popular with the boys. They find her bubbliness… um… what's the word… What's that word, Erwin?"

"Kawaii."

"Yeah! Kawaii!"

Levi closed his laptop. "The expenses on her and all that damn cake aren't very kawaii," he said.

"He seems very angry, but he's a really nice person on the inside. His request rate is 30%," Marco whispered.

Sasha burst out of one of the attached rooms. "We're almost out of whipped cream!" she announced frantically. "Speaking of which, we need tea and coffee," Levi added. Everyone looked at me. I exhaled.

"Okay, I'll go to the store. Make a list so I get everything you guys need."

Levi pulled a notebook out of like, thin air and a pen from behind his ear. He started writing intensively. After 45 seconds of scribbling, he swiftly tore out the page perfectly. He handed me the list.

Somehow, he constructed a 62-item list in under a minute. His handwriting was perfect. The list looked typed.

I swallowed. "Okay. I'll be back."

I ran out the door. _Why are they all mental?_


	2. You're Our New Host!

(No POV)

Armin returned from a shopping trip. The things on the list Levi gave him were a bit bizarre, and quite expensive. He had a feeling 80% of the things on that list were for Sasha, the food-crazed female host.

He entered the room, which was now full of people, mostly girls. They were spread out all over the room, sitting with different hosts, giggling and fan-girling. _This is unnatural_ , Armin thought. There was a group of boys sitting in the corner of the room with Sasha, who was demonstrating her pseudo-karate.

Marco was in the middle of narrating romance poetry when he saw Armin standing in the doorway with grocery bags. "Oh you're back. Great. Did you get everything on the list?" Armin nodded. "Yup. Except the jelly you wanted. So I just got this strawberry jelly."

A look of horror washed over Marco's face. "They didn't have my jelly?" "Nope. They don't carry it." "But that's the only jelly I like! I need that for my toast! What am I supposed to use when I get here early in the morning?" Armin rolled his eyes. "Ask your butler to get it for you." "But then I'll only get it at home!" Armin was now really losing his patience. "Then take it from home and bring it here." Marco grabbed the blonde boy by the shoulders and shook him. "Are you crazy? I cant transport jelly to school! What if I lose it? What if I drop it?"

This was literally the stupidest thing Armin ever heard in his life. "Then shut up and use the jelly I bought," he snapped.

Marco inhaled sharply. He smoothed out his hair. He reached in one of the bags and pulled out the jar. He popped open the lid, stuck his finger in, and gave it a taste.

"Ooh. What is this?"

"Strawberry."

"Mmm… never had this before."

Armin raised an eyebrow. "Are you joking? You've never had strawberry jelly, yet you ask me for Calafate berry preserves?"

"Yeah, so?" the freckled host asked, still enjoying this new jelly.

"I've never even heard of it, and I've read countless books on horticulture."

"It's indigenous only to the Chilean and Argentinian Patagonia. It's delicious."

"Do you guys eat anything that isn't imported?"

"The best things are only made thousands of miles away, my friend," Marco answered.

"You like that jelly. It was made from strawberries grown in Southern California."

Marco paused and thought about that. "Touché," he said.

Time skip.

It was almost 7 pm. All the clients went home, and Armin was left to wash the crazy amount of designer teacups everybody used.

Armin had been told by Levi that if he broke anything, he'd be killed. Each teacup cost an average of $150. Armin wasn't sure if the shorty was joking or not, so he took extra caution.

 _Who the hell spends so much money on TEACUPS? You just drink from them_ , Armin thought.

The hosts sat in a circle of leather seats silently. They all looked like they'd done a hard days work, even though they didn't. Sasha filed her nails. Erwin straightened his eyebrows with his index finger. Levi wrote in his notebook about how many teabags they used and how many pastries everyone consumed. Jean and eren lightly played footsie (weird). Marco played Candy Crush on his phone.

Armin was just polishing a table, minding his own business. The strong pine scent of the polish was bothering his sinuses. He let a small, quiet sneeze, like the squeak of a mouse.

It was the cutest sneeze anyone in the room ever heard.

He lightly jolted form the shock. His glasses fell off his eyes. He sneezed again. He wiped his bangs out of his face, replaced his glasses, and put his hair back in place.

The hosts dropped everything to give Armin their undivided attention. Sasha stopped filing. Erwin was no longer worried about his eyebrows. Jean and Eren stopped their foot war. Levi paused his writing. Marco was no longer interested in crushing candy.

They all stared at Armin.

Marco started tearing up. _Oh my god, that was so beautiful_ , he thought.

Armin then realized everyone was staring at him. "What? What happened? Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you crying?"

Eren stood up. "That was so adorable," he said.

"Like a majestic eagle."

"Like a baby kitten."

"Kawaii."

What he said."

"11 out of 10."

Marco leapt out of his chair, not even realizing his $600 phone just clattered to the floor and probably just broke. (Those new phones are so skinny, they break so easily.) He spun around and posed weirdly, like he always did.

"Armin," he began, wiping his tears of joy," YOU are going to be our new host to pay your debt. You're just so cute, it'd be a crime to NOT add you to the team!"

Armin was really confused by this. "Um… well, sir, I uh-" "CALL ME MARCO! 3" "Yeah, Marco, I um, don't think that would work… I don't handle women well."

"You talk to sasha."

"Yeah, well, she's different."

"You talk to your female teachers."

"You talk to your mom."

"I'm sure you talked to girls when you were in kindergarten."

"Aww, Eren, remember when we were in kindergarten?"

"yeah, I do… good times."

Armin held up his hand to make everyone stop talking. "I REALLY think I should just stick to doing real work. And I'm not that cute, okay?" Levi put on his super scary persona. "Listen, YOU, you are in no position to refuse the president of this club. If he wants you to be a host, you'll do it. Unless you'd like to me to bump your debt up a few more zeroes, I think you should do what Bodt here says," he growled.

"Thanks Levi." Marco looked at Armin really carefully, something he never really got around to. He studied his loose fitting blue knit sweater, his dorky glasses, his black slacks that were two sizes too large… Oh God, Armin was a train wreck. (In Marco's eyes. Armin thought he looked fine.)

Marco cleared his throat. "Eren, call my stylist. This boy needs help if he's supposed to impress people. Levi, go to the admin office and find a uniform in this young man's size. Bill it to the Host Club's expense tab." Eren went into one of the adjoining rooms to find his phone. Levi left the music room.

Armin slumped hi shoulders. _What am I gonna do? If I don't have time to be their dog, how am I gonna have time to make a bunch of girls I don't even know be interested in ME? Ugh… kill me now._

Time skip

Armin was handed a crisp Ouran Academy boys' uniform. His hair was trimmed. That wasn't so awful. Armin kind of needed a haircut, but liked the shaggy style he always had.

Marco squealed with joy. "You look so CUTE, Armin!"

"Um… really?"

"Yeah! If I wasn't taller than you, I'd date you," Sasha added, eating a chocolate bar. Armin didn't know how to answer that. Levi blushed a bit. Jean and Eren snapped pictures. "Let's put this on Twitter,"Jean said to Eren. "Yeah, good idea. #NewHost." "Ooh, I like the sound of that…"

Marco was starting to cry again. Cuteness, happiness, and good news always made him cry. "You are going to be a huge hit. Your request goal is 400 clients, okay?"

Armin almost fell over. "400? Do you even have 400 clients?" "No, but you better get 400 clients." Armin started feeling dizzy.

"Chill out Armin," Jean said nonchalantly. "You're like so hot, you'll get 400 requests overnight," eren finishsed. "He's right," Marco added. "You're goal is 700." Armin almost threw up. "700? DO 700 GIRLS EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL?!" Levi cracked open is notebook. "800, actually," he replied.

"B-b-b-b-but how can I get 88% of the girls at this school to want to request me? What if they think this club is stupid? What if they don't like smart boys? What if they don't like boys at all? WHAT IF THEY HAVE BOYFRIENDS?" Armin was completely in shambles from this.

Sasha handed Armin an éclair. "Why would they not like smart boys? Who wants a stupid person?"

"The stupider, the poorer."

"Yeah, like, offer them homework help or something."

"They'll think you're kawaii."

 _I hate that statue and I hate my life_ , Armin thought gloomily. _Who the hell puts a statue in the middle of a room without glass casing?_

Day one of being a host

Armin did not feel ready for being a host. He had his freshly ironed uniform on, he was up all night practicing pouring tea, and he ate about 60 breath mints five minutes before opening. However, he felt unprepared.

Here he was sitting in front of four beautiful young women. All he had to do was "entertain" them. Armin was trying not to puke from nervousness.

The girl sitting closest to him, Sofia, spoke up. "So, Armin, I hear you're a scholarship student. Why's you come to Ouran?" Armin cleared his throat. "Well, I heard wonderful things about this academy. I want the best education I can get. I thought going to such a prestigious, intellectually challenging school would help me get into a great college. I want to be a lawyer when I'm older."

The girls looked at him with starry eyes. "Oooh..So you wanna be a lawyer? Cool. What do your parents do?" asked the girl at the far end of the table, Rachel.

Armin's expression went from confident to serious and solemn. He exhaled deeply. His eyes wondered out the floor-to-ceiling windows. "My parents… have passed away. They were killed in a plane crash when I was just an infant. My grandfather raised me." He paused and smiled slightly. "My parents were doctors. They traveled the world, treating epidemics in small villages. My grandfather was an anthropolist. He's now retired. He is a wonderful man. I just…" Armin's eyes watered a bit. "I just wish I knew my parents better. I'm sure we would've been a happy family."

Armin's eyes returned to the table. The four girls were wiping their eyes with cloth napkins. "That… is a beautiful story…" Sophia said. _Oh crap, I made them cry_ , Armin thought frantically.

Levi was studying Armin's progress from across the room. He jotted down some notes.

 _Armin's quite a natural. A cute, babyish face. Extremely smart. He probably just made those four fall in love with that 'dead parents' story._ Just then Levi heard Armin laugh and the girls giggle. _His laugh is so cute,_ Levi added to his notes. _Armin has a lot he can bring to the table. He'll pay off his debt eventually._ Levi smiled evily. _I can't wait for cosplay Wednesday._

Later that evening

Marco was super excited to see Armin succeed with those first four clients. "Great job, Armin! You've shown us your natural capabilities at their finest. And what a well-executed story! _Very_ creative!"

Armin looked confused. "What story?"

"The thing about your parents being deceased."

Armin face palmed. "Marco, my parents _are_ dead."

Everyone's faces fell in shock. No one could say anything.

 _Dammit, I thought that was fake…_

 _Shit, now we sound like fools…_

 _That sucks royally…_

Marco shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I… um… I just… assumed you… made that up… to make those girls like you…"

Armin threw up his hands in disbelief. "WHY would I make that up? What… Why… WHO WOULD DO THAT?" he screeched.

Marco stuttered, looking for words. "Well, I assumed you were playing the victim card…"

"Marco, that's just not cool. I wouldn't lie about my parents being dead. That's just stupid."

Sasha jumped in to prevent an tsunami of anger and sadness from these two people. "SO ON A HAPPIER NOTE. Cosplay Wednesday's comin' up!"

"Oh God help me, WHAT'S THAT?" Armin said in despair. He didn't even want to know what that was.

Levi laughed maniacally. "YOU'LL SEE, BLONDIE, YOU'LL SEE."

End chapter.


	3. Cosplay Wednesday

"I'm not wearing that thing."

The host club members had gathered in the music room 30 minutes before opening.

"But you have to!"

The hosts were trying to convince Armin to wear a cute maid outfit for Cosplay Wednesday. This was Armin's second week as a host, so he knew to expect craziness from these people. But a MAID OUTFIT? No.

"Guys, I'm not a cross dresser. And why would any girl wanna gush over a guy dressed like a girl? That's like, defying the laws of morals." Sasha came skipping out of one of the adjoining rooms wearing some frilly dress and cat ears. "Hey guys! Don't I look cool?" she asked.

"Lookin' sharp, Braus," Jean and Eren said in unison. Marco gave a thumbs up. "That's a good look for you, Sasha! Ah, I just LOVE Wednesdays."

Armin raised an eyebrow. "What are you supposed to be?"

"I am a Neko/Waitress! Ain't that a cute combo?"

"Um, I guess…"

"AS I WAS SAYING," Marco interrupted, "As the president of the host club, I am directly ordering you to put on this outfit or else!" Marco completely sucked at sounding threatening. "No. It's weird."

Levi had been doing invoices when he was suddenly fed up with Armin's lack of cooperation. He slammed his computer shut, gulped down his tea, and stomped over to Armin.

"Listen, brat," he growled, "you are in NO position to refuse the president. Unless you'd like me put your skinny butt even further in debt than you are and toss you out the window, I suggest you SUCK IT UP and GET CHANGED. For your INFORMATION, we have to dress up too. THEY like it, but I DON'T, and you don't see me complaining. If the women want it, THEY GET IT."

"But you guys are just wearing tuxedos and black aprons! You look like normal baristas or something! That's NORMAL!" Armin protested. Levi balled up his fists. "Like I said, they ASKED FOR IT, THEY GET IT."

"So if they asked for me to be nude, I'd have to do it?"

"No, that's against our code of conduct."

"But I have to wear a DRESS?"

Levi's face was turning blue. "I. Won't. Ask. Again."

Armin exhaled. "Fine." He snatched the garmet bag from Jean and went into the bathroom.

The dress was a rough, uncomfortable material. The corset was really tight. The thigh-high socks were a nightmare to get on. He didn't know why he had to wear the lace panties. This was getting weirder by the minute. The gloves made it hard to hold stuff.

 _I don't understand these nutcases_ , Armin thought. _I look ridiculous,_ _I feel ridiculous, this is the dumbest thing on earth…._

He shoved his feet in the shoes and stumbled out of the bathroom. He tripped over the dragging garment bag and fell on his face right outside the door. His dress flew up, revealing the lacey cotton-candy pink underwear.

Everyone in the room saw this sight.

Oh my God.

So hot.

Eleven out of ten.

Kawaii desu.

I'd go gay for him.

Why is he so cute?

Levi's nose was gushing blood. Marco was crying. Erwin couldn't stop staring. Jean and Eren had been mindblown. Sasha almost spat her cake out.

Armin pulled himself off the floor. "God… ugh, DON'T LOOK AT MY UNDERWEAR! YOU FREAKING WEIRDOS," he shouted.

"Oh my gosh, boss, we should do this everyday," Eren said to Marco, who was in shambles from cuteness overload.

"Stop making fun of me," Armin pouted. His face was burning red. Eren fangirl squealed. "Ooooooh, you're BLUSHING! That's so cute!"

"Sh-shut up. Aren't you supposed to get dressed, too?"

Everyone stopped screaming. Levi looked at his Rolex. "Yeah, you idiots, go get dressed," he said, stomping away with his attitude.

Sasha kept eating. "You guysh are sho funny," she mumbled.

Later-

Nobody could kepp their eyes off of Armin for more than a minutes. Everyone thought he looked absolutely adorable.

"Armin, you should wear girls clothes more often!"

"Yeah, you have the face!"

'You're sooo cute."

"Who are you gonna be next week?"

Armin smiled and laughed nervously at these comments although he really wanted to throw a table and rip the dress off. "Um… well, I dunno what the theme is next week, but… maybe I'll cross dress again…"

 _Oh crap, did I just seriously just say that?_

The girls shrieked with happiness.

"Wear a cute club bunny outfit!"

"Ooh, you guys should do an Alice in Wonderland theme!"

"Oh my gosh, YOU should be Alice!"

"Aww, that would be _so_ adorable!"

Armin wanted to cry, this was just getting more and more out of hand. "Eh… any male cosplay ideas, ladies?"

"No…"

"Not really…"

"Can't think of anything."

He sighed in defeat. _No wonder my friends didn't think I was straight_ , he thought sadly. _This is a disaster._

Eren and Jean stared intently at Armin, blushing. "You remember when we were little and we would wear those hooded footy pajamas with the bunny ears?" "Those pajamas were so warm…" "We should get matching footy pajamas again…" "Psh, who needs pajamas for bed anymore? The bed _is_ my pajamas."

This day couldn't get any worse, Armin thought. He stood up to go make more tea. He ended up tripping on the leg of his chair and hitting the ground on his face.

The room fell silent. You could hear a cotton ball drop.

 _No, not this again…oh God, my underwear is showing, isn't it?_ His face turned tomato red, and he braced himself for the fangirl screams. _3…2…1._

"KYAAAAAAAA!"

 _My day just got worse. I hate my life._

-End chapter-

 **Author's notes: I'm kind of at a loss of ideas for the next chapter, so if you have a suggestion, please drop it in the comments below. And as always, thanks for reading!**


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